


No More

by JinxxieGray



Category: Frostiron - Fandom, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Hurt Tony Stark, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Loki Feels, Loki Needs a Hug, Loki loves Tony, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Tony Angst, Tony Has Issues, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, loki helps tony
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-17
Updated: 2016-08-17
Packaged: 2018-08-09 07:19:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7792060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JinxxieGray/pseuds/JinxxieGray
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens a month or so after the Accords? Well, certainly nothing good for Tony. </p><p>This is roleplay that me and one of my friends are doing and it's such a feelsy thing, I figured someone might enjoy reading it. It's set up from post to post. Think of it as a POV change every paragraph. First goes Tony(Me) and then Loki(My Friend). Please excuse any typos and all, I haven't really gone through everything to fix it. Also I came up with the plot after listening to No More by Three Days Grace, hence the name.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please, feel free to leave comments, reviews, you know, all that stuff! Also ideas are great too, we already have a few things planned but I'm sure we can consider anything you guys think might be cool ^^

 After so long of actually feeling like he was _okay_  again, everything crumbled to the ground as he tried his hardest to catch every single piece. If anyone knew it was impossible to carry the world on their shoulders, it would be Tony, but that sure as hell didn't stop him from trying. It started out with that stupid presentation- forcefully reminding him that he no longer had Pepper- at least not in the way they once were. Then came the _wonderful_ lady and the photo of her son. That hurt way more than he could possibly think to explain to anyone, but he refused to let himself think about it. Especially once those young soldiers popped into his mind. Hell if he was going to let his mind drift off back to Afghanistan. And then came the Accords. After that everything  _really_  went downhill. The team that he had come to absolutely _love_ \- despite the fact that nearly all of them annoyed him to death- besides Bruce of course- was torn nearly in half. Well, a bit more than half maybe. He had only gotten two kids outta the divorce. All because Steve fucking Rodgers (something he had started to call the idiotic ~~but still lovable~~  soldier) decided not to sign; and while Tony could have found a way to deal with that, the dumbass also decided to run away- breaking the law by the way- and go on his own to find his little boyfriend (the only thing Tony refers to Bucky as). At least he wishes Rodgers had gone on his own but no, Steve, being the stupid _"""team leader"""_   that he was, took Falcon down with him. At first. Then he took Wanda, Clint, Scott, and eventually Nat with him. (Well Nat didn't actually leave with Steve but she sure as hell helped him and Tony refuses to believe that she was ever _really_  on his side in the first place.) Oh, and then comes the finale. After _everything_  Tony's life _still_  gets worse. December 16, 1991. The day his parents died. It played out in front of his eyes on this little screen in black and white on the oh so familiar road, one that he has refused to go on for the longest of times. It all played out how he had been told- car crash, dead on arrival- but there was a sick twist to it. They didn't die immediately, no, their deaths had nothing to do with crashing. _They actually would have been fine_  if a certain brainwashed super soldier with some dumbass metal arm didn't come out and _kill them_. Now, as hurt as Tony had felt after this, after getting old wounds reopened _and tore into again with a dull spoon_ , he finds out that Steve fucking Rodgers, the man who was just recently _pissed off at him for keeping secrets_ , had known this for at least two years and when asked about it at that moment, _tried to lie about his knowledge._  After learning that, Tony loses it. Of course, he could have handled this _far_  better but that didn't matter to him at the moment, for goodness sakes the man just learned that his parents were murdered by one of his best friend's boyfriend. But the only thing he regrets about that day was _pulling his punches_. He could have done way more damage but **he didn't**. Not that those idiots would have cared. As if everything else wasn't enough, Steve fucking Rodgers decided to bring down the shield that _Tony's_  father made for him, onto his chest. _Something that with just a bit more pressure would have shattered his already extremely weak rib cage._  Now Tony was left alone. Well, not completely since he still technically had Vision and Rhodes on his side, but really, how could he count someone who is now practically paralyzed and someone else who has a love interest fighting on the other side? He couldn't even count on Thor to help him. Not even Loki, at moments notice. The Gods had been off who knows where. Maybe Asgard, or maybe some other realm that, if Tony thought too much about, would send him into a panic. So, even with the two he had on the "team", Tony was alone- quite literally at the moment really. He had himself locked away in his workshop, surrounded by a mess of gizmos and gadgets that really didn't do much besides give him something to mess around with. He stood there by one of his workbenches leaning over this particularly random object when all of a sudden a drop of water fell down onto his hand. Tony was rather confused at first, "There shouldn't be-" He started out loud as he lifted his head to look up. It was then that he realized that he wouldn't actually be able to  _see_  where the water came from. "Shit." The brunette cursed as his eyes blurred with the tears that were already dripping down his face. He realized then, that his voice had wavered when he first spoke aloud. For so long he refused to let himself even act like there was something wrong beside the obvious physical problems he had. Tony always had a distraction ready- somewhere to go, something to do, someone to see- had everything set up for a good month but now- hardly a full day of doing nothing but working on things in his workshop has left him to really think about everything that happened two months prior. He honestly hadn't even realized he was. His mind had been running on autopilot while he tried to focus on whatever was in his hands. Tony's chest started to hurt as he let out a choked sob which sounded more like a gasp for air than anything else. He'd push away from the table he had just been leaning over and bring both of his hands against his chest, almost trying to grab at something that was no longer there. His breathing was heavy and his heartbeat sped up as he continued moving backward with his hands still at his chest until he was forced to stop by another one of his tables which he would then fall down to the floor and lean against the metal cabinet doors that were built into it. Everything was hitting him at once and his body could only react in sending him into a horrible anxiety attack that wracked his whole body. Tears fell down his face as he choked out another sob. "F-Fuck-" He hissed, squeezing his eyes shut and bringing his hands up to cover his eyes for good measure. He'd soon let out a scream filled with so many emotions as he allowed himself to be consumed by them rather than fighting them off. For a good hour or two Tony sat there on the floor with his knees pulled up tightly to his chest while he let out pain-filled sobs until they finally calmed down to sniffles. Finally able to breathe almost properly, he stretched his legs out in front of him and leaned his head back against the cool metal. "Friday.." He breathed out, forcing his eyes to open up so he could look up at the ceiling, "Yes Boss?" The AI responded normally, though Tony could swear he heard worry in her voice. "Turn on some music will you?" The moment he finished his command music was playing and he was hugely grateful for it. Though the choice in music made him let out a small laugh. "No More, huh? What made you pick that?" Tony shook his head with a small and sad smile on his face. "It simply seemed appropriate Boss." FRIDAY responded before going quiet, leaving Tony with the music. He would soon realize the song was on repeat but he had no problems with that. He'd even start singing- if that was the word to use. It was more him just repeating the words rather than actually singing them. His voice was quiet- barely more than a whisper- and filled with just about every emotion that swirled in his mind at the moment. He felt like an idiot for letting himself get to this point but he didn't have enough strength to fight it anymore so instead he did the next best thing, let it fill every single part of him until he could feel nothing at all. That was the plan anyway. "No more.. I just can't live here.. No more, can't take it...Pfft. How _stupid_ do I sound? How _stupid_ do I look right now?" He muttered before returning to the song, honestly so very thankful that it was on. It said everything he felt at that moment without him needing to even speak. As this happened, FRIDAY did her best to send out a message to the Gods, and no, not like a prayer, but to the actual Gods she knew. Within her database, neither immortal had a hand in this whole Accords situation so they must not know about it. She could also "remember" that Loki had really meant something to Tony so she would do absolutely everything she could to get a message sent to the two. "Come back," She said in the message she hoped would get across, "Sir Tony Stark is in need of your help. Please, at least Sir Laufeyson must return, he is in desperate need." With it, she sent a small video of Tony's current condition. FRIDAY had managed to send the message out during that hour or so of Tony's sobs so just imagine how wrecked he might have looked- imagine how it would have sounded. Hopefully, it would somehow make it. Even just the words- Tony just needed someone. 

 

 

* * *

 

Loki was indeed on Asgard, helping his brother after Odin had seen his change back on Earth, even letting the God stay in the palace once again- though it didn’t feel right- just something being back on Asgard felt wrong to the raven haired male, it still felt like he didn’t belong there, that he belong somewhere else- with a certain male who- unknown to Loki-was dealing with a lot of things and it was affecting him in the most negative of ways. Loki was never far from Thor’s side though, never wanting to be alone on their homeworld, “Thor, something does not feel right.” the raven haired male whispered to the other, (gonna fail here and I apologize) Thor: “What do you mean, Loki? You are home, back with me and Father- back where you belong.” Thor smiled as he placed an arm around Loki’s small frame who just wriggled out of his brother’s embrace, “But I don’t belong here-I belong back down there, back on Midgard-back with Tony.” he said looking at the ground, “Being back here, after everything I have cause does not feel right, I should not be forgiven!.” Thor: “Do not shout, Loki. These hallways are long remember, your voice will carry and I do not want you getting brought before Father for saying something you will later come to regret.” the blonde said, silencing his younger brother who once again dropped his gaze like that of a small Asgardian child before he and his brother began to walk once again. Later in the day Loki, Thor and Odin were sat at a very large table which was set with a feast, the two older gentlemen tucked into their meals and Loki just sat there playing with his, looking to an empty space where his Mother once sat, sighing and pushing his plate away from him, Thor raised his brow at his brother’s actions, Thor: “Loki? Why aren’t you eating? The food is wondrous!.” he laughed as he held a piece of meat out to his brother who just waved his hand in front of him, “I-I can’t.” Odin: “Why can’t you?.” the much older male asked in a gruffer tone. Loki just looked to the male before looking to the empty space once again, “It doesn’t feel right- not without her! I can’t sit here and eat knowing that I will never see my Mother’s face, never seeing her smile ever again!.” Thor and Odin just gave each other a looked before Thor sighed, Thor: “Brother listen, I do feel the same but Mother would not want us sitting around grieving for the rest of our days- she would want us to be happy.” Loki just kept staring at the mahogany table, underneath it, he grabbed at his Asgardian clothing, his hand clenched into tight fist as he bit down on his bottom lip-Loki quickly pushed himself out from the table and took off out of the large dining hall, doing his best to keep himself together but as he rushed down the halls he heard the whispers from the people around him, ‘ _Why is he back?_ ’ ‘ _Traitor_ ’ ‘ _Foul creature_.’ were some of the things he picked up as he continued to run- he didn’t stop until he had reached Frigga’s flower garden and there so many memories came rushing to him. From times where he was a child, where he would have strange dreams about the Frost Giants and having Frigga bring him here and sit with him until he was once again calm- or the times where he just wanted to get away from Odin after the two would fight, she was always on his side- always there to help him see the light again but now she was gone- it hit Loki like a ton of bricks as he collapsed on the bench Frigga sat on every time she was in the garden, his mind wasn’t only filled with thoughts of his mother but with Tony as well- as much as he didn’t want to admit it he had fallen from the male and fallen hard- that was where he truly belonged-not here. More time passed and the sky grew darker, Loki had fallen asleep on the bench and was completely unaware of the message the had been sent from Tony’s new AI system, F.R.I.D.A.Y, Thor rushed into the garden’s, he look like he was out of breath- as if he been searching for his brother for a while, Thor: “Brother! Loki!.” he yelled as he rushed over, shaking his brother’s his sleep, “Wha-what! What are you doing!.” the darker haired god snapped as he pulled himself back from the almighty blonde, “Are trying to sn-” Thor: “There is something you need to see.” “For me to see?.” the younger male sighed and waved his hand to shoo his brother, “Tell Odin I am busy-” Thor: “It is not about Father, it is about Tony.” Loki eyes widened at the mentioning of the mortals name, his heart speeding up- he could tell by his brother expression that something was wrong- really wrong, “What is wrong with Tony?.” Loki asked, fearing the worse for the male, Thor: “Follow me, we must go to Heimdall. He has the message and the- footage? Is that what the mortals call it? The moving pictures.” “I understand, Thor-just take go already.” Loki growled and the two rushed off to see the gatekeeper. It felt like an eternity before they finally reached Heimdall who was accompanied by Odin, “What is it I need to see?.” the Frost Giant asked as he moved forward, his heart pounding out of his chest as he was handed a tablet like device that Tony had made to stay so that the gods could stay in contact with Asgard, Thor looked down as he noticed Loki’s body begin to shake, Thor: “Brother, it is not a pretty sight-I am warning you.” Loki took in a deep breath as he opened the message, those words ‘ _Come back._ ’ were the first thing Loki sees before scrolling down and reading the rest- as Loki continues to read, his eyes begin to fill and pressed play to watch the video that the AI had sent. The male’s eyes widen and tears run down face as he covers his mouth, there on the screen is a very broken Tony Stark-pressed again a workbench and sobbing his heart out having another attack of anxiety, “I-he-.” is all the god can muster before breaking down in hysterics-letting horrible heart-wrenching screams of both anger and sadness, Thor pulls his younger brother close to his chest and hugs him tight, “GE-GET OFF!.” Loki snaps and pushes Thor away, he didn’t mean to act the way he did, he was just upset, “I-I need to get t-to him! I NEED TO HELP HIM, PLEASE!.” Loki begged not only Heimdall but Odin as well who just look at each other before nodding, Odin: “It is clear that you care for this male dearly, why?.” Loki screws his face up at the older god, “Now is not the time! I have to get to him now!.” Loki yelled as he growled at the male, Odin: “Answer my question, boy.” “I HAVE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH THIS MORTAL! ARE YOU HAPPY! NOW PLEASE LET ME GO HELP HIM!.” that was all that took as Odin allowed Heimdall to open the Bifrost and-for once-listened to Loki and let him leave for Midgard, Loki was soon gone and heading to help his beloved genius. As Loki landed he noticed he on the roof of the Avenger’s Tower, he quickly rushed over and down the elevator and soon arrived to on the floor the male was on-of course he know where the workshop was as he did stay here with Tony for a while before travelling back up to Asgard with Thor, rushing over to the door and trying to pull it open only to find that it was locked-he pounded on the glass and could only seeing the small tuft of brown hair the poked up from the workbench he was slumped again, “Tony!.” he yelled, tears once again running down his face-his voice hoarse from crying and he backed up and performed a spell which unlocked the door-it was either that or he was going to blast it down. As he pulled the door open he rushed inside and over to the male, quickly scooping him into a tight embrace as he once again broke down into hysterics, “I-I AM SO SO-SORRY FOR EVER LEAV-ING YOU!.” the god cried out as he wrapped his arms tighter around the male’s frame, “I SHO-SHOULD HAVE NEVER LE-LEFT YOU!.” his voice breaking as he continued and pulled Tony into his lap, not wanting to ever let go of him again-he didn’t even notice the music playing in the background, he was just focused on one thing at that moment and one thing was Tony. 

* * *

 

Tony hadn't moved much since stretching his legs out on the floor, instead simply sitting there while the song played over and over in the room. "Raise the volume Friday." he muttered a few times until she had just given up and brought it up to the highest volume she could which was apparently what Tony had wanted. It was a precaution for him, really. If anyone were to try and come into the workshop that's what they would hear- nearly deafening music that could send them away because usually when it's like that he was knee deep in work. Right now though he was only working on fighting the panic and sobs that were threatening to attack him once more rather than the work he usually had. He didn't really know how much time passed since this started, all he knew was that he was.. There. The music had become simple background noise at one point and he didn't really see anything in front of him. He was numb to the world, unable to think properly after everything he had gone through in the past few hours. It left him as some shell so filled with emotion that it felt like he had none. Tony sat there with his legs stretched out and making a bit of a V while his hands sat on his lap with his palms facing up, they were close to each other but not touching and then his head remained leaned back against the metal behind him his eyes were open as staring up at the ceiling. His eyes would blur with tears that slowly dripped down the sides of his face. Tony didn't really care anymore, didn't even know the tears were there if he was being honest. He felt absolutely nothing at that moment and heard nothing beside the beat of his heart in his ears. His lips moved with the ghost of the lyrics but no real sound came out of them. They were just moving out of habit at this point rather than desire. FRIDAY on the other hand was busy making sure everything would be prepared for one of the Gods to come. The Bifrost landing pad on the roof was set up to protect against damage, the elevator closest to the roof was waiting there and would bring him down to the floor of Tony's workshop the moment they entered and all doors leading there were open. Well, except for the door to the workshop. Tony had locked that one manually and she was only allowed to open it for emergency purposes that were stated clearly in her system files- ones she could not deviate from under any circumstances due to the fact that Tony only locks it himself when he really doesn't want anyone to enter. FRIDAY could really only hope that whichever one came was able to get the doors open. She even had the materials needed to rebuild the door ready to be ordered just in case it was broken or damaged. When Loki finally came and reached the floor to the workshop, she lowered the music in hopes that Tony would react and perhaps get up to see why the music gotten quiet. She had no such luck. Instead he ignored it, simply shutting his eyes as it did. Even when Loki came rushing into the room Tony hardly reacted. The brunette opened his eyes and looked to where Loki now sat- well now he was looking at his shoulder since Loki wasted no time pulling Tony into his arms. Furrowing his brow he listened to what Loki said. At least he tried to anyway, it all sounded muffled for a good moment. He was kind of just sitting there in Loki's arms for a bit, his mind still processing the fact that Loki had come back and was now cradling him. "L-Loki?" Tony murmured at last, looking up at Loki's tear stained face for only a moment before his vision blurred and he himself was sent into hysterics, much like earlier. He grabbed at and held onto Loki like he would die otherwise, Loki's shirt getting balled into Tony's fists as he pulled himself closer to the God. He felt like a child- being held in someone's arm while he cried his eyes out- but he didn't really care. He needed this and badly. FRIDAY couldn't help but feel smug about this. Tony obviously put a fair amount of emotion into his AI's. 

* * *

 

For a while Loki just sat there, holding the male in his arm and crying into Tony’s should-regret began to sink in, he regretted ever leaving Tony, he regretted ever going but up to Asgard-cause maybe- if he was still down here when Tony went through and found out so many things Loki could have helped him through it but he wasn’t and he felt awful for it. When he finally heard the male speak he opened his eyes and straightened up, looking at the brunette and locking eyes with the male but he couldn’t help but look down at let out more sobs, “I-I am so,  _so_! sorry for ever! leaving you Tony. I should have never left you- not in this state! I-if I only knew what you were going I would have been down he-here sooner. I would have he-lped you! But I wasn’t and I couldn’t be mo-re sorry.” he said through his sobs, letting out a choked cough every now and again. As Loki was grabbed and clung to, to which he tightened his grip even more on the male, he rubbed the male’s back as he let all that bottled up emotion out- finally, he knew Tony had never been  _fine_ , he knew something had always been wrong but never wanted to force it out of him, he never wanted to cause the male harm-he never wanted the male to break down like this! But in a way he was happy that Tony had finally let go and let everything out. He buried his face into the crook? (is that the word?) of Tony’s neck and continued to cry whilst rubbing the male’s back still. “I-I never want this to happen to you, you de-deserve to be ha-happy! Not locking yourself away!.” he yelled, though it was very muffled due to Tony’s clothing which was now quite wet with the god’s tears. Loki had never broken down like this since the day he lost Frigga before then he would never let anyone see him in such a state- it felt good to finally get everything out- to finally be held by someone- to finally feel like he belonged, he needed this just as much as Tony-it hit him then on much he needed Tony in general, the male made him feel whole, without him he is lost- broken even, nothing but a shell but this moment, this moment right now- even though the two were in one hell of a state- he wouldn’t trade it for the world. 

* * *

 

Tony had only heard about half of what Loki had said before he had started crying again. He couldn't really do much besides that really but he was extremely grateful that Loki was there now. He really didn't care about the fact that Loki hadn't been there earlier, or that he had left at all. In fact, he was kind of happy that the God had left and not because he didn't want Loki there, but because he would have hated it if Thor and Loki to have been part of the whole Accords deal, even though he was pretty sure than neither God would follow along with Steve's stupidity, he was glad they weren't put in the position that they would have had to choose because that would have just hurt them more than it would hurt whoever they didn't choose. Tony would shift about so that he could wrap his arms around Loki's neck and bury his face into the male's neck as he continued to choke out a sob here and there. The feeling of weakness, embarrassment and stupidity would soon set in making Tony almost rip himself away from the God, the feelings being completely overwhelming. Now pressed against the metal table once again but now with Loki in front of him, Tony rubbed his face as he forced himself to stop with all the crying. "I-I'm sorry- that- I'm sorry please- don't- don't feel bad about anything- You shouldn't have had to see that. I'm just- I'm honestly okay, really, I don't know what got into me." He shook his head before scrambling up to his feet and away from Loki, aiming for the coffee machine or something. He didn't mean to leave Loki on the floor like that but maybe if he looked okay again Loki would feel better? "I'm fine. I'm good actually, amazing. Look, i'm fine? I look fine now. Right?" Tony turned back to Loki as he held an empty mug in his hands, an uncertain expression on his face though he did manage a forced little grin. "please don't cry- not for me." He whispered so low that he might as well have just been moving his lips. "don't- it's okay- p-please-" He continued, his eyes locked on the God's emerald ones. "I-I'm fine, right? Yeah, Friday what happened to the mu- n-no Friday you should- yeah just turn it off." Tony mumbled, his gaze never leaving Loki's as he muttered to the AI who would raise the music for just a second before shutting off. Tony couldn't tell if she was trying to be smart with him or trying to emphasize how obviously not okay Tony was. As if Loki needed that.  

* * *

 

Loki just held onto the male a little tighter as he began to cry- the two of them were in a hell of a state as they sat there on the floor crying into one another’s clothing. Loki’s mind raced-tearing away from one thought just for it to fall into another, he couldn’t really one anything besides Tony-everything else was just a blur to the raven-haired god. He might not have idea of some of the things that Tony has had to face in this short period of time and to be honest, if he were here for the Accords I don’t think he would have had the foggiest idea what was happening- all he would have known is that he would have been on Tony’s team no matter what, even if that meant facing off against his brother if he were to choose to go with Steve- though I don’t see that happening. As the brunette shifted Loki loosened his grip slightly from around him only to return it as the male wrapped his arms around his pale neck, running his hand up and down Tony’s back as he tried to calm the male, “Shhh it’s okay, Tony. Ju-just let it out.” he muttered in the male’s ear, “I-I’m here for you now.” he continued as tears kept rolling down his cheeks and letting out a sniff ever once in awhile. Loki gave a look of confusion and felt a little sad as Tony pulled away and rested himself against the workbench once more, he ran his hand through the brunette’s hair before wiping the tears from his own eyes, “Don’t you da-dare apologise, Stark, you have nothing to b-e sorry for. I can’t help but feel bad, I-I should have been here for you when you re-really needed someone and I was away! I am glad you let your feelings out-you have kept them bottled up for far too long, Tony-it’s no-.” his eyes narrowed as the male tried to say he was fine, “Don’t even go there , Tony. Do not lie, to me.” he said as he watched the male get to his feet- he was a little hurt by this action but choose not to say anything about it and just got to his feet not long after Tony. Looking a little more hurt as the male once again tried to act like he was fine, slamming his fist on the worktop, “STOP LYING TO ME! You do not look  _fine_ nor do you sound fine!.” the god snapped at the male- he didn’t mean to get so angry with him, he just hated when Tony would put on an act just let everyone think he was okay, “Your AI system- Friday sent me a clip- a clip of you, crying on the floor so no, you are not fine.” he growled again and looked to the tip of his fingers which were turning a blue shade, Loki quickly balled his fists in hopes of hiding that horrendous colour he come to hate. Loki just looked to the male, more tears welling up in his eyes, “I have every ri-right to cry over you! I am worried about you- worried about what you are going through.” the god tried his best to hold everything together but that fail as more tears trickled down his pale face. He walked closer to the male, fists still clenched tight, “It’s not okay- please stop now, it is okay to feel like this. You can have feelings, Tony, you are human after all.” the god said as he was maybe a foot away from the brunette. Gritting his teeth as he once again said he was fine but not once did he break the gaze he was sharing with the male, “You are not fine, stop saying that- please. Stop lying to me and more importantly yourself Tony- it is not healthy!.” Loki never did understand the thing with the AI systems that Tony constantly spoke too-first there was Jarvis and there is this girl? Friday, all of it confused the living daylights out of him but now is not the time to ask about that. Loki looked up as the music got a bit louder before switching off-was she trying to tell him something? He moved closer to Tony and brought a blue tinted hand to the side of the male’s face- so badly wanting to touch but not want to hurt the male, he let his arm fall to his side once more, “How about we talk- about this, about everything? Please?.” he asked he continued to lock eyes with Tony. His emotions were getting the best of him and his hands gave that away, he wanted to keep that side of him hidden for now as he had never showed the male that true side of himself, “Talking will help, Tony-please, you can trust me.” he said once again, his eyes full of worry, sadness and regret- so many emotions and thoughts plagued the god’s mind and soul at the said moment but he wanted Tony to feel better- he wanted him to get better and open up to him. 

* * *

 

Tony shook his head against Loki's neck, it wasn't okay- he was supposed to be strong. _He's a Stark, Stark's are made of iron-_  or some other stupid thing. It's what his dad had told him since he was a child and that's what keeps him from letting himself get like this. He was _strong_. Stark's were not allowed to cry, that was for other people who weren't them. This was the _sole_  reason why Tony would never allow his feelings to get the best of him. This was the only thing Tony could do that made his dad proud so he sure as hell wasn't going to stop just because his dad wasn't around anymore, even though he goes around saying he hates the guy half the time. Tony couldn't deny how nice it felt to hear Loki say that he was there for him though. If only he could honestly believe that. "N-No- let me apologize- please. This is so stupid, you didn't need to come all the down here- not for me. Why did you even come? You- You were in Asgard again, weren't you? And Thor, that was great wasn't it? Please don't tell me I'm the reason you're here- I didn't- Please don't let me ruin your life there too-" Tony shook his head a few times as he refused to meet Loki's eyes until later. Especially not after he started to say he was fine- which was so obviously a lie he didn't even know why he said it. "I-" He started before flinching as Loki rose his voice, bringing his hands up as a shield due to reflex when Loki rose his hand up to slam it down on the metal table. Tony immediately regretted but he couldn't undo it so he simply lowered his arms back down to his sides, now placing the mug down on the table. "Friday did- She did what? Friday! I never asked you to do that!" He looked up quickly at the ceiling before looking at Loki. "I- Is that why you came? I'm really sorry- you shouldn't have seen that- She shouldn't have sent it-" He wanted to back away from Loki due to the sudden fear he had in his chest but the table behind him stopped him. Instead he slightly pushed back against it. Tony couldn't quite figure out why in the world he was suddenly so afraid of the other but he was blaming it on the whole nearly dying at the hands of two angry soldiers who came at him with fists and well, a shield. "I- I'm sorry please just- don't be angry with me.." He was whispering again while his gaze was focused on Loki's hands. If they weren't in the situation they were now, he would have been really excited to see the color change on them, but right now he didn't even notice. The fists they were in though? Yeah that worried him. He'd finally bring his gaze up to meet Loki's, a small frown on his face while he did his best to straighten up and look confident though the way that he was slightly trembling didn't really help him. "I **_am_**  fine though. Why wouldn't I be? Friday shouldn't have sent you anything like that, she was wrong to. It was a momentary lapse of reasoning, I'm good now Lokes, really. You can stop worrying. I'm a Stark remember? Also Iron Man. A superhero and superheroes aren't- They don't cry." His voice wavered at the end making him mutter a curse under his breath. Rolling his eyes at the way Friday messed with the music, he brought his gaze up from the floor, where it had dropped to when he finished his previous sentence, back to Loki before flinching a bit when Loki brought his hand close to his face but again, it had nothing to do with the blue and it was obvious that wasn't what scared him with the way he shut his eyes in preparation for a punch only to relax again when he realized that hadn't been Loki's intention. As much as he wanted so badly to honestly trust both Loki and what he was saying, he couldn't bring himself to. Not after everything that happened. "I- How do I know? That I can trust you? With everything that's happened- the things both you and Thor missed- how can I honestly trust anyone? Neither of you were here. You both left like everyone else did. How do I know that won't happen again? What can I expect to happen if I talk to you about everything? How can I trust that the moment you talk to Ca- Steve, which is something I know you could find a way to do, you won't tell him everything and just go along with him? Or just leave? Nat- Natasha's good at that one." Tony couldn't help but start out by calling his old teammates by their nicknames- it was a habit that he never thought he would hate. But he did, and that fact made his chest hurt again while everything he was saying made his emotions start to boil over again resulting in eyes blurring with tears. "I just-" He started but his voice cracked, making him shut his mouth.   


 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I had only one "chapter" at first but I separated it into two to see if it made things easier to go though.

It broke the Frost Giant’s heart as the male shook his head, “It is fine. i-it is only me and you, Tony and you have my wo-rd, I will not tell anyone else so pl-please don’t be ashamed of crying.” the male managed to cough out as he held Tony for a little longer in his arms, ‘ _Is this what’s like to feel heartbroken? To feel helpless? I can’t do anything to help him! He does not deserve this-_.’ the raven-haired god thought to himself as he buried his face in deeper into the male’s neck as he continued to cry. The god wiped his face once again as the other began to talk, “No, I will not let you apologise for being human.” Loki then lowered his gaze as Tony spoke of him being in Asgard-it may have been good to be forgiven by Odin and to spend time with Thor but his stay was not pleasant. Loki got to his feet and continued to focus on the floor beneath him, “I may have been back in Asgard but that does not mean- the truth being it wasn’t great- though it was nice to finally speak and sort things out with Odin, things never felt right-I felt lost, unwelcomed by the other Asgardians.” his gaze shot up as Tony began mentioning something about ruining Loki’s life, the god looked shocked that the male had said this, “I was going to leave Asgard that day-after dinner and come home, come back- to you! Without you I am no more than a hollowed out shell, you complete me- you give me a purpose in life!.” Loki’s eyes widened and he immediately dropped his gaze from the male and he mentally cursed himself for ever opening his damn mouth, “You will never ruin my life, Tony- you make my life better.  _You_ are the light at the end of my very, very dark tunnel.” the raven haired male said as he finally lifted his head- well that was before his outburst of anger. Loki’s eyes widened as he watched the way Tony reacted to him, he did not mean to scare the other- that was the last thing he wanted to do but he couldn’t control himself, he just snapped, “I-I’m sorry, I-I didn’t mean to.” he muttered as he clenched his fist tightly shut, taking note at how he had put his arms out to protect himself, “No, please don’t yell at Friday, she did what was for the best- she did what was best for  _you_ so please don’t yell at her.” he said taking another step closer to the male. “Like I said, I was about to leave Asgard anyway-things just weren’t about being back up there.” he remembered sitting at the table and not having his Mother sitting and smiling away, that broke him inside- he was so close to just breaking down again as he lay a hand on the workbench for some support before looking back to the brunette, “I’m glad she showed me, Tony- now I know that you truly do need help and I shall do my best to help you.” he raised a brow as Tony began acting strange, watching how he was slowly backing up from him, was he- scared? Of him? Loki decided he would back up some, in hopes it would make him feel a little better and looked down at the floor but he soon brought it back up to focus on the male’s eyes. “Shh I am not- not angry at you-I am sorry that I raised my voice and snapped at you-especially when you are like that. Yo-you have nothing to- fear.” it killed him inside to say those words, to say them to Tony -the only guy he truly loved in this world, the only person that has ever made him feel important and- like he said- gives him a purpose, looking down at his icy blue tipped hands, he sighed and moved them behind his back, “You do not need to see that.” the raven haired male muttered before finally approaching Tony once more. Loki shut his eyes and clenched his fists more, his nails were now jagging into the palms of his hands before he opened his eyes once again, “Stop saying you are fine when clearly you are not, please. Friday is not at fault, she did what he right for you! Lapse of reasoning? Tony-no-that- _this_! is not a lapse reasoning, you’re not good- in fact, you have never looked worse than you do right now, Tony.” He took yet another towards the male, “I am going to keep worrying- I have every right to worry about you, Anthony.” he said, his eyes full of sadness for the male, “The words your father used to tell you- they are awful, disgusting things- just because of your name you aren’t allowed to feel emotion? It’s ludicrous! I do not care if you are  _Iron Man_ , a hero or anything like that! You can cry- you can feel like crap, it is a part of life! And you are simply human, you can cry and there is nothing wrong with that- no one will think less of you, Tony.” he said as he did his best to keep it together- for Tony’s sake. Loki looked so broken as the male as the brunette flinched, “Ar-are you scared of me, Tony?.” he asked as his voice weaved and broken in certain parts of his sentence- he never wanted Tony to be scared of him,  _never_. “I will never hurt you, I-I’m not a monster...I would never want anything what anything to happen to you, I am so-sorry I raised my voice but please,  _please_ don’t fear me.” he had broke, his body shaking and his eyes filling up as he took a few steps back from the male once again, “If it make you feel better I will keep my distance, I shall not touch you unless you need it or want it.” he still kept his gaze up, never let it falling from Tony’s eyes. The god raised a brow as he straightened himself up, at first he didn’t know what to say to them brunette, “You can trust me because-I love you...I may not know what you are going through nor went through as we were gone but you have my word- that no matter what happens I shall not and will not leave your side.” a pain smacked Loki hard in the chest- he had left Tony just as everyone was leaving him as well though he didn’t know, “I regret leaving-I really do but I won’t be leaving your side again- _ever_. Please believe me Tony.” the god had once again lost his composer as tears streamed down his face and he was struggling to keep himself standing, “I won’t tell anyone else! Yo-you have my word! I have no idea where Rogers is- I would never tell anyone anything! I would never go on his  _side_ \- I LOVE YOU AND WOULD NEVER BETRAY YOU!.” he cried harder, finally falling to his knees and covered his face with his hands which had now turned a cobalt shade of blue. “I-I wouldn’t le-leave you- not now no-not ever, please,  _please_ just trust me.” he managed to choke out as he begged the male to trust him- to believe everything his was saying as he picked up on the tone of Tony’s voice he looked up from the position he was in- knowing if even got close to the male he would flinch and it would make matters worse- especially with his hands, if he did touch him he would burn him- nothing was going right, “To-Tony, you need to calm do-down. Sit down and we will talk, I will ke-ep my distance like I said.” the god lowered his head and focused on the floor- he had never broke down in front of anyone before- all expect Frigga but it was nothing compared to this, his chest was hurting- was it due to the crying? Or was it his heart breaking? 

* * *

 

"It's not- _It's not fine!_ " Tony managed to say though his sob, his voice wavering and making him sound pathetic- at least in his mind. He just felt _so_  weak and broken at that moment and he really didn't know how he was going to fix this, make it look like he was okay again like he always did. Tony nearly let out a scream like he had earlier but his body just trembled in it's place. He wouldn't let himself break down that much- not now. After pulling away the brunette shook his head, fighting the urge to curl up in a ball as he forced himself to get up. "You don't get it-" He muttered. Being human? Yeah that wasn't something he could do. He _needed_  to be more than human for everyone else. If he wasn't then he was absolutely nothing, no one would care about him if he was anything like the people around him. Yeah he was obviously human on the physical level but he couldn't let himself be that way in any other category. He needed to be- Well he needed to be Iron Man all the time. Tony looked over to Loki with a bit of surprise for a moment, he honestly thought that going back to Asgard would have been great for him. The God really needed some time with his family, with his home- at least that's what Tony thought. Obviously Loki didn't need that at all- well maybe the family part but not much else. That look of surprise only grew when Loki spoke again, about him being the light at the end of Loki's tunnel thing, yeah that was something he's never heard anyone say. If he wasn't so out of it, he probably would have made a joke, teasing the other's choice of words but right now it was out of the question. "W-Well- just because i mean something to you, doesn't mean I won't ruin your life. I meant a lot to a few people Lokes and they're all in trouble one way or another.. I'm fairly good at ruining people's lives and I doubt that the fact that you're a God makes you any different." Tony muttered as he looked away from the other. "N-No! Don't be sorry I just- I don't know why I did that." He shook his head quickly as he crossed his arms over his chest. Sometimes he kind of wished he had the Arc reactor in his chest still- it gave him something to mess with whenever he was in a situation he wanted to get out of or was uncomfortable with. Or when he was scared. Fear was creeping up his neck and as much as he tried to push it back, it was still there. Honestly it wasn't because of Loki, but at the same time, it was. The God himself wasn't his problem though, it was just the presence of another person- another angry person. One that could use magic to- 'No no- Loki would never do that. He wouldn't' Tony quickly shook the thought out of his head and quickly moved onto the next topic of conversation. "Friday acted out of line- I don't care if it was for 'my best interest.' because it wasn't. I was and am fine okay? That- I-" He honestly couldn't think of another excuse for his previous breakdown- not one that would make any sense anyways. Seeing Loki take a step back broke his heart and he knew it was because of his own actions, though they were ones that were involuntary. Tony was just _so_  filled with fear and hurt at that moment that he couldn't bring himself to trust any movements even though he knew there was no danger here. "I- No you don't have to be sorry and no- I mean- I know, I'm not afraid of you- I'm sorry I just don't-" He shook his head some, not really sure how he would even explain anything right now. Letting his eyes fall back to Loki's hands though, he managed to feel just the tiniest bit intrigued by them, which was a good sign even though it wasn't much. He wouldn't argue when Loki hid them though, it wasn't important and with the way things were going Tony couldn't hope that talking about it would change where their conversation would be going. If anything it would only piss Loki off more than he already has and that was the very last thing he wanted. "This **_is_**  lapse of reasoning though! If I were thinking straight I would have never gotten like this! I've spent the past month warding this off Loki, i think I would know a little bit as to what this is. And stop- stop telling me that this is normal because I know it's not! It's not normal- for me, it should _never_  be normal. **_EVERYONE_**  will think less of me! Do you not understand? This isn't just- Loki, I _need_  to be strong. If I'm not then- It just won't work out. I  **am**  Iron Man and I  **am**  a Stark. Those are the only parts of me that matter and if I ruin those then- I'm just-" Tony looked down at the ground as his breathing started to pick up, his mind starting to fill with far too many things at a rate that could only be bad though they all stopped the moment Loki stuttered those words and backed away. "N-NO! I'm not- No no no i'm not scared of you, Loki please, no I'm not I- no I didn't mean to do that it's just- So, so much has happened and I- i can't take it-" His voice was loud at first and dropped to a quiet whisper at the end as he furrowed his brow and looked down at the ground, fighting back the tears that threatened to spill. He wanted so badly to ask Loki to come back over to him, to simply let himself fall apart in the Gods arms but he just couldn't. He couldn't manage a single word at the moment without falling apart and simply crashing to the ground on his knees so he kept his mouth shut. Tony stood there with his gaze fixed on the ground and his arms hanging by his sides while his hands were balled into fists, his nails digging into his palms hard enough to draw blood. At least they would if they were long enough. Right now they were just making bruises. Against his wishes, tears started to drip down Tony's face again as he listened and watched Loki break down in front of him. This was so far from what he wanted to happen- everything was just going horribly for him.  He couldn't find the words to respond properly to anything Loki had just said and instead he forced his legs to move before dropping down onto his knees in front of Loki. "I'm sorry- I just- There's so much and- I don't know how to deal with his anymore- I can't take this anymore Lokes.. Please don't be angry with me."

* * *

 

Loki just sighed as Tony choked out through his tear, resting a hand on the back of the male’s head as he held him tighter and closer to his body, he choose to just keep quiet and just hold the brunette for a while, rubbing his back once again in hope to calm him to but clearly that didn’t work. As Tony trembled Loki heart broke- he had never seen the other cry never mind seeing him in a state much like this, “Please know that I am here am always here for you, no matter what-I shall stay by your side.” he cried into the male’s shoulder, his voice muffled slightly by Tony’s clothing but he didn’t care- all he cared about was getting Tony calm and back to his sarcastic self. Loki scrunched his face up and watched the male get to his feet, “Don’t get what?.” he asked as he soon got to his own shaky legs, “What is it that I don’t get, Tony?.” he head was hurting due to all the crying that he had done, his eyes slightly bloodshot and he tried his best to catch his breath all the while he stood there looking at the short brunette male. He just watched the male’s shocked expression as he admitted that his time up on Asgard was not as great as the other thought- but Loki knew things wouldn’t go so well up, he had done way too many things just to be forgiving like he had done nothing at all, he could see why the fellow Asgardians were angry with Odin and Thor but that does not give them the right to call him the things they did. Shaking the thoughts off Loki took a deep breath and looked over to Tony, who seemed a little more shocked than before- did he say the wrong thing? He was a little taken back by the male’s words, feeling both hurt and sad for Tony, “You won’t ruin my life, I think you forget what I am-I am a god, not a mortal-I can handle things in a different way compared to your kind- well sometimes but what I am trying to say is that they people did not have magic, if anything were to happen to you- as in being attack, or fighting I can fight alongside you. I can heal you, help you even.” he said before he carried on listening to what Tony was saying, “You don’t ruin a lot of things, Tony. I am sure those people moved on, got better and found some new love interest, me being a God makes things far more- interesting.” he did his best to smile at the male, if he were being honest- he had no idea what he was saying, he just wanted to keep talking so the place would not fall into silence- for him it just made things either tense and on edge and he hated that- especially with the way Tony was feeling already, he dropped his gaze to the floor and sighed, “I am sorry though-I should have never snapped.” he muttered as he looked to the male once more. Loki could tell that the male was scared of him and that is what hurt him the most, after everything the two had done together, Loki had now caused the male to fear him with his stupid outburst and he regretted every snapping and pounding his fist into the table the way he did, it was things like this that caused people back on Asgard to fear him- that many other things. Rolling his eyes at the male, “She did what she thought was best for you-you freaked out and she thought you need help- which you do. Be happy she called me Tony, please. Stop saying you are fine- stop it right now, I am not stupid and I can see passed your lies-” as he spoke he moved away from the male, “If I am causing you to act in defense- to be scared then I do need to apologize-” he just looked away from the male- his heart was breaking the only thing he loved most in this world was scared of him and it tore him apart inside, he just want to disappear there and then but knew he couldn’t-he wanted to be by the male’s side- he wanted to be with him for the rest of his days but who knows what lies ahead. Once again he caught Tony looking at his hands before hiding them behind his back, “You can’t just keep things like that bottled up! You were bound to snap eventually- why didn’t you contact me earlier? I would have come down here! I would have helped you with whatever you found out while I was gone, Tony. It is normal! You are a human being! And just like everyone else you had a moment of weakness! Meaning you have remained strong for far too long- this is your body’s way of telling you that it can’t take it anymore! No one is going to think lesser of you, you idiot-I know all too well that you are Iron Man- you are their hero and they adore you. They aren’t going to care if you cry every once in awhile- if you break down, everyone does- everyone. You  _don’t need to be strong_! Those are your father’s words- not yours! And you will never be like that swine! You are so much better, so much kinder from what I’ve heard-.” his voice was on the point of breaking as he spoke to the male, trying his damnedest not to break- not to shatter into a million pieces- at least not yet. Before breaking down in a heap on the floor Loki looked to the male, “If you are scared- why do you act like it? I know what it looks like when people don’t want to be around you- who just want to run away and you- _you_ are showing those same signs.” he said as he bit hard on his bottom lip, his body shaking like a leaf, Loki’s eyes widened, “Whatever happened-I shall not do anything like that-I don’t-I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t want anything to happen to you!.” he had reached his limit- he couldn’t hold it back anymore as he fell to his knees and was now a complete wreck. As Tony dropped down in front of him he removed his hands, they were calming down a bit as his anger gave way to sadness and utter regret, locking eyes with Tony as he sat there, tears rolling down his pale face, his emerald green eyes filled with so many emotions- a little many to be dealing with at one time. He sat there and listened to the male apologizing, his heart was aching, “I am not angry-I have never been angry with you. What happened? What got you in such a state- apart from the team, if you tell me maybe then we can work around it, it could help just getting off your chest.” as he watched his hands go back to the pale colour he slowly brought a shaky hand to the male’s face, “I am not going to hurt you.” he said as he placed a cooled hand on his cheek and using his thumb to wipe stray tears away before pulling himself closer to the male and wrapping his free arm around Tony’s waist, “You can trust me, okay? I won’t even breathe a word to Thor.” he said as he continued to move his thumb across the male’s cheek, wiping any tears away as his own continued to drip down his face but he didn’t care-Tony was his number one priority at this moment and the rest of his life.

* * *

 

 

Tony clung to Loki as sobs wracked his body, something he'd regret letting happen later but right now it felt  _amazing_  even though his head started to pound and his chest ached horribly because of it. It was such a needed, while unwanted, release of emotions that he couldn't help but be a bit happy about it. Not that he would act like it due to most of him hating the fact that a single tear fell down his face, not to mention the ones that were practically streaming down his face. He wanted to respond to what Loki had said into his shoulder but he couldn't muster a proper response as he did his best to calm himself. "You just- you just don't get it. I _can't_ just be human Loki. That's not something I can let myself be." Tony hissed as he had gotten up to walk away. He would obviously elaborate more on that later. Tony honestly wanted to so badly believe Loki's words, that he wouldn't end up ruining the God's life but he couldn't. Not after he managed to think about everything he had done wrong to his "friends" in that whole hour before Loki had come. The hour of screaming and sobbing he had done brought a lot of things to light, meaning he realized how a lot of things would have been way better if he wasn't the idiot that he was. The time he spent there obviously turned out a lot more harmful that what you'd probably think something like that would be. He'd end up convincing himself everything wrong that happened was his fault- even more so in certain situations which is the last thing he should have done but this _is_  Tony we're talking about. "Yeah well- just because you're a God doesn't mean that something- or someone- can't ruin your life because trust me, if anyone can, it'd be me. Tony Stark. Pretty famous for doing things like that." Tony muttered, "I ruin _everything_ , was that not the word I used before? Because I should have. It's what I do. I ruin things- all things. Anything I get myself into gets ruined because I thought I could fix it. Why do you think I don't have anyone anymore? It's because I obviously did something so stupid at one point- which was most likely Ultron which i will admit happened in what was uh, not one of my best moments- anyway I did something stupid enough that Steve fucking Rodgers didn't trust my judgement enough to follow along with me. The only damn time I need that idiot to listen, he decides this was the _best_  time to run off for his little boyfriend. But I caused that, you know? _I ruined it_  like I _always do._ " He hissed at the end, angry with himself over everything that had transpired. "Please- stop saying sorry, there's no need to okay? I was just- it's hard- don't worry about it." He shook his head quickly before focusing on Loki. In any other circumstance he would have been excited to show the man everything he had built while Loki was off in Asgard, show off some new additions he had added to the Iron Man suit  ~~ones that were made very soon after the whole nearly getting killed by the super soldier combo~~ , everything he had done. But this was not the right time and it probably wouldn't be for a while. "Well she still shouldn't have- I don't care how I was feeling, I never gave her the permission to do anything like that- I don't know what got into her. I don't _need_  help Loki. I'm going to tell you that I'm fine until I can't speak anymore because then- maybe then I can actually be okay. If I say it enough then everything will be fine. It's like pretending to be confident, it actually makes you confident after a while of it. I'm pretty sure I can make it work for this. I make everything work- well before I ruin everything- but it works at one point at least." Tony had managed a small chuckle which came out as a  sad excuse for one. "And uh- I know it looks like I'm scared but- I just- I told you it's nothing to worry about. You didn't do anything though, it's not your fault." He shook his head in his attempt to reassure Loki that he had not been the cause of his current actions. "I didn't call you because I didn't want to bother you okay? My problems- they're practically nothing compared to everything you have to deal with half the time and hell if I was going to take you out of a place that I thought you were actually happy in again. Obviously you said now that you weren't but Loki- do you really think that I would want to ruin your time with my stupidity? Of course not. I would never want to do that- I didn't call you because I didn't want to. And I HAVE to keep them bottled up- at least until I'm _alone_. Then maybe I can show something but other than that? Pf. HELL if I'm going to let that happen. Yes I am an idiot, but I _assure_  you that **_EVERYONE_**  will see me differently because I would be going against everything they knew me for and please, ** _PLEASE_** tell me who _wouldn't_  care because I'd absolutely love to meet them Loki. I can assure you that every single tabloid will have alllll the details that make me look like an idiot- not that I'm not already but trust me, you wouldn't want to see what they'd do. And anyone else? Yeah I'm sure the only thing they'd do is laugh and brag about how they  _knew_  Tony Stark could never be the man his father was. That he could never live up to the name Stark." The brunette's voice wavered greatly as he spoke, his hands getting balled into fists as he glared into Loki's eyes even though they started to blur with tears again. His voice was so filled it hurt but he made it look like anger- well he tried to. It was obvious that it was simply raw emotion starting to show rather than any kind of anger. "And stop thinking I'm scared of you dammit!!" He hissed, stomping his foot like a child, "Because I'm not!! I'm scared of _everything else but you_. Yes the things you did- the yelling and the slamming your fist- they scared me yes but- No I'm not scared of you Loki. I'm not. Please please stop." Tony begged once he had been on his knees in front of Loki, tears spilling down his face at that point. " _Everything Loki- absolutely everything has gotten me here and it's just too much._ " He whispered, letting himself lean a bit into Loki's hand, enjoying the cool temperature of it as he shut his eyes. The cold was just so great against his skin which was probably burning up- he hadn't been taking the best care of himself and he did recently spend a lot of time screaming and crying- probably wouldn't be good for his body. He'd happily relax into Loki's embrace this time, not really having the energy to do much else. "I- I don't mind you telling Thor honestly- just don't make me sound like a bigger idiot than I am, okay?" Tony looked up and chuckled lightly at Loki, one of those familiar happy glints in his eyes, something that hadn't been there since the Accords.

* * *

 

Loki began to softly play with the male’s hair as he sobbed more, “You are going to be okay, yo-you need this, Tony-no matter how much you think you didn’t or regret breaking down like this. Your mind and body can’t be strong forever.” as he spoke he stopped messing with the male’s hair and just clung to him like a frightened child-scared to let the male go. The god just sat and watched as Tony got to his feet but he soon got to his feet as well and just looked at the male with confusing, sadness and worry, “You can be human, Anthony. You  _can’t_ keep up this charade-you  _can’t_ keep acting like everything is okay when it’s very clear that their not.” the raven haired male said as he lifted himself off of the floor and not breaking his gaze off of the male. As Tony began to talk once more, the god just furrowed his brow and narrowed his eyes at the male, “STOP SAYING THAT! Stop thinking so lowly of yourself! Please! You will  _not_ ruin my life-I know you won’t. You do not ruin  _everything_ , have you ruined your suits? Your work? No-you have improved since your Mark I? That was it’s name right?.” seeing the male come down so hard on himself broke Loki inside-it did more than just break him, it was tearing him apart. “You have fixed a lot of things-and not only your gadgets Tony.” at that point the god looked to his feet, “Yo-you fixed me-you brought me out of that place I was trapped in for such a long time, you helped me see the light and show me that this is the true me, not the person I was before.” he said looking back up, tears once again blurring his sight, “You have also helped so many more people-you have saved people all over the world. Look back at what I did to your city, I nearly brought it to it’s knees-but you were the one to save it from not only myself but the Chitauri and missile as well-you were willing to put you own life on the line to save countless others-I don’t that as messing up now do you?.” he continued before listening to the male once again. “Stop blaming yourself for people leaving-it is not your fault that these things happen, it is a fact of life that people drift apart and lose interest in one another. Ultron? I remember Thor mentioning that-you did not know that, that was going to happened-you made him as a peacekeeper? Correct? And as for your team-that is Steve fault, he caused that, not you-you were trying to make things right but he refused to listen to your reasoning-that is not your fault. Steve has always been the same, has he not? Always doing what  _he_ thinks is best-boyfriend?.” Loki asked as he tilted his head but shook that off as that was not important at the moment, “You haven’t caused anything, that was his own stupidity-please stop saying that! You don’t always ruin things!.” the God couldn’t take hearing the male blame himself for everything that was going wrong-it hurt seeing Tony like this-seeing him so broken, so vulnerable and just so-lost and it pained Loki to hear him speak about himself in such a way. The god once again dropped his gaze, “I am going to worry as my actions are not the best and are not helping you-but making you afraid, I don’t want that for you.” he did not look up from the ground as he spoke to the brunette as a few tears fell down his pale face, he couldn’t bring himself to look at the male as he began to speak once more but he was still listening-taking in every word Tony said. “You might not of cared but clearly she did-she thought you needed help, which you do, I can not blame Friday for doing what she has done, Tony, what has gotten into her is that she cares for her creator. Why lie to yourself! It is only going to make matter worse for yourself and the people who care about you! Yo-you aren’t okay and it’s clear to see, it has always been clear to see that you have been struggling-but now it has gotten worse since my stupid attack in New York...You need to  _stop_ putting on an act, you need to start telling people how you really feel, Tony-they can help, it will help you- _that_ would work.” the raven haired male said as he finally lifted his head to look at the smaller one. “It is clearing something or you would have reacted in that way, Anthony-I am not stupid. For me it is something to worry about but I can see why-after everything I have done and what you have went through-there is no wonder you are afraid.” Loki kept his distance from the male, even though he so badly wanted to hold Tony close to him. “Bother? You wouldn’t have been bothering me-what I deal with, what I go through has  _nothing_ to do with this. You are clearly in more trouble than I am myself, you could have got in contact with me at any time, Tony and I would have been here-beside you. You really wouldn’t have been ruining my time on Asgard and this is not stupidity, the Asgardians have made it clear that I am not welcomed back up there and I can not blame them-and being up there, without my-my Mother does not feel right...I could not bare to sit at the table knowing that she was gone-all thank to me.” Loki’s voice was barely even a whisper from the remainder of that sentence, taking a deep, shaky breath as his body shook slightly from everything the two were going through. “No you don’t, you don’t need to keep your feeling trapped inside all of the time. NO ONE IS GOING TO THINK LOWER OF YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU SHOW THAT YOU HAVE FEELINGS! You Father may have thought otherwise but he was nothing more that an arrogant prick-I am sorry but he was, from what I have heard.” the god did regret speaking ill of Tony’s Father-even though it was the truth, “I don’t think that they would even need to know-your team would not care if you showed your feelings or even asked for a little help, the press would not need to know! Same with the people out on the streets. You have done more for the Stark name than our Father ever could, you are more of a Stark than he was and I am happy you are nothing like him.” the Frost Giant said as he locked eyes with the male, he could see the tear well up in the male’s- he wished he could just pull him into an embrace but choose to leave it for now. After hiding his hands behind his back he turned and listened to male-the hurt in his voice was heart wrenching, he knew that Tony was hiding something but this? He would have never of guessed how broken the male was until now-and this tore Loki apart. Choosing to keep his mouth shut as the brunette went on about the apology thing, if had been a different time he would have teased the other for stomping his foot down the way he did but that was out of the question at a time like this. Falling to the ground and breaking into another horrible sob he finally brought his hands away from his face as he finally looked at the male, “I-I frightened you! Th-that is just as bad! Can’t you see I-I didn’t want that to happen! You are the last person I would ever want to scare! You me-mean the world to me-you are the only one person that I truly care about besi-sides Thor.” the god managed to choke out through his tears. He smiled slightly as Tony leaned into his hand, “Th-this is your body telling you it can’t be strong anymore-you  _need_ to talk-I know you don’t want to in fear of being judged but you know you don’t have to go to anyone else, yo-you can come to me when you are feeling like th-this, we could go out to take your mind off of things-if you do choose t-to talk to me.” he said as a slight blush filled his pale, tear stained cheeks. Loki’s eyes would widen due to Tony’s temperature, deciding to let his body temperature to fall a little more in hopes of cooling the male down, “You are burning up-you need to calm down.” he said as he continued to wiped the male’s cheek, moving a little more closer as Tony relaxed and he pressed his forehead against the shorter ones, still having one arm around the male’s waist and the other on his cheek. “I gave you my word of not telling another sold and I will be keeping it between just us.” he muttered into the brunette’s ear, “You are not an idiot, my dear-though you do make silly choices.” he smiled and once again gazed into those doe eyes of his. Seeing that little Tony flare, he smiled and pressed his cold lips to his forehead before placing his head back to the shorter one’s, “Please think about coming to me when you are feeling like this-if I am to spend my days with you I want you to be able to trust me. I love you Anthony and want the best for you, you deserve to be happy for once-you truly do. Maybe we could be happy together.” he smiled and pulled Tony closer to him slightly.

* * *

 

As much as Tony wanted to hide and stay away from literally everyone right now, he was honestly enjoying the fingers that were running through his hair. The action was comforting and he loved it and hated it at the same time. He shouldn't be allowing this- he's a monster and monsters don't get to have things like this. They aren't allowed to have someone who actually cares about them because they don't have hearts to do the same. "I-I'm not- This- I c-c-an't." Tony managed as another sob had shook his body to the core. That was when Tony had to rip himself away from the other- if he allowed himself another second in Loki's arms he would have broken down far past the point of no return- much like he had earlier and he had done things that he definitely didn't want Loki to even hear about. He'll probably have to get FRIDAY to delete any evidence she had of his actions but he didn't think much about that now, he just had to get off of Loki before his panic set in for the stupidest of reasons. "I can't. Loki I can't be human. Stop telling me things I hear all the time!" Tony lashed out now, glaring hard at Loki before turning away when he spoke again, knowing the God had a right to be so angry at him, especially with everything he was saying, except Loki just didn't seem to understand how _true_ his words were for himself. "Oh, no no I've ruined SO many of my suits Loki, you don't know _anything_  about that. War Machine? Yeah I left that was _so fucking ruined_  that some idiot was able to turn it against me _with my best friend inside_. Because I was an idiot and didn't fix the tech on it enough to protect him from that kind of stuff. Forced him to have to go though a good hour or so of trying to _kill me_  because _**I**_  was too stupid to keep him safe. I should have done so much more- I should have never let something like that happen but I did because I was too busy _almost dying_  from the stupid arc reactor I had with the stupid palladium core- I should have left it. I shouldn't have - I should have just died you know?" Tony's voice cracked and faded out at the end, his last sentence inaudible. "I just I didn't fix you Loki, I might have made you remember a thing or two but I didn't fix you. What I did was simply bring old things back up. _Thor_  did most of the work and I just did the talking that, that blond idiot doesn't know how to talk properly or explain those stupid feelings of his. But he fixed you. He brought you back and I was just the last little bomb used to break the wall down. It could have been anyone. It _should_  have been someone else. Someone else should have been that for you instead of this screwed up mess standing in front of you. I'm- just _please_  stop trying making me sound like I'm better than I am Loki because I'm **_not_**. I am **not**  human, I am **not**  a hero. I am _nothing_  outside of being Iron Man and Mr. Stark. _Tony_? He's nothing more than a monster alright? Look at my track record and _really_  look at it. Ask Pep. She'll tell you everything. Everything I've done wrong and everything she knows I'm going to do wrong. Ask Rhodes, hell _ask Steve_. Steve would be more than willing to tell you _every single thing_  I've done wrong and maybe _then_  you'll see how all of this is my fault. I caused it. Ultron, yeah he was a stupid thing I did because I was selfish. Trying to get the weight of the world off my back but it turns out I only made it heavier **when I ruined so many lives**  with that 'Peacekeeper' of mine. Almost ruined Brucie too. Actually I did. He ran and is probably trying his best to hide out somewhere because the moment he comes out everyone will see him as the guy who helped nearly destroy the world. Tony Stark's accomplice. I _ruined_  his life after that, I know I did. STOP TRYING TO TELL ME THAT I DIDN'T!! STOP TELLING ME THAT I'M NOT THE ONE AT FAULT HERE! BECAUSE I KNOW I AM OKAY?! **_I KNOW_**! I can _see_  everything I've done and I know how I started it all. Steve- yeah he's an idiot but if it weren't for me none of this would have happened." Tony had rose his voice and tears threatened to fall but he managed to stop himself before they did- for now anyway. He could not keep crying like this- that would be pathetic. Out of everything he is, pathetic could not be one of them.. Well it already was in his mind but he didn't need a reminder of that fact. "Stop that because you didn't do anything wrong okay? I'm just a big ass mess that you really shouldn't have walked into. Friday should have never said anything because now look at you. You look like a mess, nearly as bad as me. You might have gotten upset up on Asgard but there you would have Point Break to talk to. Here you're just dealing with a mess that is only making you a bigger mess." Tony muttered, shaking his head at Loki's words. He probably shouldn't be angry with FRIDAY but he was. He never wanted anyone to see him like this, especially not Loki. "I've been struggling since I got this stupid-" Tony starts, going to tap where his arc reactor used to be but immediately froze when his finger just his his chest, making more of a thud sound rather than the tap of metal he found himself _missing_. He blinked a few times as he furrowed his brow, momentarily forgetting that scars now took the place of his reactor. He didn't know why exactly this shocked him so much- really what was so special about the reactor beside the fact that it kept him alive? Maybe he was just too used to it. It wasn't like it did any good at protecting him- made it harder actually. "I- Oh well- Uh. Hmph. Anyway, I've been struggling since I nearly got killed in Afghanistan which, no I'm not going to go into more detail about. You only made things more- noticeable. Not that anyone really did. I can pretend all I want to Loki and no one would bat an eye. That's how I got here. If I wasn't such a good liar, do you really think I would have made it this far? Nope. It's obviously working a hell of a lot better than talking about it. Hm, the last time I talked about it was with Pepper. Told her about my nightmares, my fears, you know, the good stuff. She convinced me to try and sleep on a bed with her for once. Actually sleep. Yeah well, that turned out horribly. I had a nightmare- one of many- and in my sleep I guess I called for a suit- it probably detected I was in distress and decided to come. In the few moments before it got there Pepper tried to wake me up. I'm sure she had good intentions and all but my suit, the one that I supposedly didn't ruin since according to you I don't ruin anything, grabbed her arm and scared the living daylight out of her. I woke up in a panic as she screamed, thought something horrible was happening. Turns out I just screwed up like usual and Pepper went running down to stay in the living room instead. Tell me again how pretending to be okay is in fact _worse_  than letting someone see how much of a wreck you are?" Sarcasm dripped from his words there, but it was obvious that it came from a place of hurt and that he was now trying his hardest to throw himself back into his facade. Maybe if he was able to gather his sarcasm and usual cocky attitude everything would go back to normal. It didn't work of course but he wouldn't be Tony if he didn't try. "Quit. Acting. Like. I'm. Afraid!! I JUST TOLD YOU I WASN'T!!" Tony growled, quickly breaking the calm he tried to put himself in. He didn't mean to be angry but he needed to feel anything besides the sobs that threatened to come. "I'm sorry I just- I didn't mean to yell I just- stop. Please stop." He practically begged before shaking his head, "Just because it has nothing to do with what happened here, doesn't mean it doesn't matter. I need to take everyone else into consideration before I decide if I'm going to ruin their lives just a little bit more with my stupidity. "I'm sorry about your mother, really- I know how it feels to lose one- I know how it feels to lose both parents really. It's shit. Especially when you get forced into situations that only make you think of them. It's not- not fun. I'm sorry you dealt with that but I really really wish you didn't have to come down here to mess with the wreck that I am right now. You need your own comfort- You should be up there with Blondie so you can both mourn her together because I know for a fact that Point Break doesn't know how to deal with his emotions and you should both be there working together. You shouldn't have had to come down here and get forced to push aside your feelings for this Loki. You don't get it. Yes I _know_  you are willing to do that. But I don't _want_  you to." He muttered mostly under his breath, keeping his gaze fixed on the floor. He'd flinch when Loki raised his voice again knowing that he honestly deserved to get yelled at right now- he deserved all of this. "Loki, you know the way that you mentioned that the Asgardians or whatever look down on you and whisper horrible things to you every time you were around? Yeah. That's what people do to me already. Everywhere I go there's a reporter there just _waiting_  for me to slip up by saying something wrong, or looking at someone the wrong way, or maybe doing something that I shouldn't. Or maybe I could be doing all the right things. Maybe I'll actually get through the night without causing a problem. That's when they start questioning and wondering what happened that caused me to not be the famous Stark everyone knows about. Actually, you know how I said Tony was nothing? Yeah I was wrong. Tony is actually the playboy that everyone watches, just waiting for the newest story, rumor, video, the newest whatever to start circling around. _Could you imagine what they would do if they saw me right now?_  I already know the headline. 'How Low Could Tony Stark Go?' Why that? Oh that's because they're never going to believe that I'm honestly so broken down that I can't hide it anymore. They're going to see me like this and immediately assume that I'm doing this for attention, to get people to feel bad for me, etc. Of course they're going to look down on me Lokes. That's what everyone has done since I've been born. They all think lowly of me and this only makes them right and will make them look even lower until I prove that right too." Tony had let out a small and hurt filled chuckle, his emotion playing on his face like a screen. "My team? Yeah Let's not even go there- I doubt the two men that are on it would like hear about any of this." He muttered bitterly before shaking his head and locking eyes with Loki. "If I've done anything to the Stark name, it's ruin it. I've been doing that since I was born and you're not going to convince me otherwise by just saying the opposite okay?" After his whole stomping his foot thing and all Tony focused on Loki, his chest starting to hurt as he watched the God break down in front of him. It hurt _so much_  to see him like this and he just couldn't help but to feel like this was his fault. If he hadn't reacted the way he did, this wouldn't have gotten here. "I know that's the last thing you want okay!! I'm sorry! I didn't- just- stop thinking it's your fault because it's not!! It's just- so many other things- Steve he just- It's not you okay!? Actions maybe but you didn't mean to and i'm not- I'm not scared- not of you please stop." Tony whimpered at the end. He'd shut his eyes tightly as he listened to Loki. He knew he was right but.. "Okay.. Okay we can talk.." He sighed before nuzzling a bit more into Loki's, now much colder hand and nearly let out a happy little gasp when he felt Loki's cold forehead against his own. The brunette more or less stopped paying attention to what the God was saying, enjoying the cold way too much. Opening his eyes, he smiled a bit up at Loki and nodded a bit. "Alright.. " He murmured, simply enjoying this moment they were having far too much to say anything more about the idiot thing. "I love you too.. A lot. Thank you." He mumbled while his eyes slowly fluttered shut. Tony was way way too tired after everything- not that he'd let himself sleep of course. He quickly opened his eyes up with a bit of a start before chuckling a bit. "Sorry-"

**Author's Note:**

> This will be updated whenever there's a new post so check back often if you like!


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